Feeling Guilty....

End of April is going to be the best night ever♥

Sometime I sit at my room and remember the old time, I laugh by my self with a ridiculous smile. Then I have that one tear run down my cheek cause all of it changed.

1. Somebody tell me......Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen... I'll try my best I can.

2. Trust is like a crystal vase, once it's shattered, it's broken forever. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and leaving the broken places as long as I lived.

3. I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break you're arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream and sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you're suffering and they're not, because they can breathe without feeling guilty and hold a normal conversation without breaking down into tears of fit or rage.

4. I don't want to believe from some people who tell me that "You never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back". Because of that I don't know why I'm still waiting.

5. Depression is such a cruel punishment. There is no symptom like fever, rashes;or we should do blood tests to prove you're sick. Just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer.

6. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts and we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face. And said "I'm okay..." I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I’ve sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.

7. 'Time heals everything' is complete bullshit. Time doesn't heal everything. Time doesn't fix your wounds or repair your broken heart. It doesn't help you. You can't rely on time to heal you. You have to be strong enough to tell your self that you can get over this, that you will get over this. Oh nooo.... I hope to pass it!!!!

8. How did I get here? How did I become "this girl?" I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with what's staring me straight in the face. I need to make changes in my life, but I don't know where to start or what to do... How do you change your entire being, who you are, everything? Because that's what I want. To start over, a clean plate. But life doesn't work like this, I know I can't just snap my fingers and everything will go back to what it was. What it needs to be. What happened is in the past, and I have to stop letting it haunt me. I just have to. I pretend like I'm so strong, but in reality I'm trembling at the knees. I'm scared. I'm scared of my past, I'm scared of my present, and I'm terrified of my future. I'm terrified of what lies ahead of me.

9. The hardest thing to do in life is to pretend to be what you're not. Because pretending is hard. Lying to yourself every waking hour of everyday isn't easy. I know that I'm lucky and should be grateful for everything I have, what gets me are those things, those people who I have lost, who have left me, those whom life has pushed away from me. I pretend that they never mattered, that I couldn't be happier, but the truth is I feel so incomplete, so unhappy, so empty of any hope whatsoever. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I hate that I can't just move on like any normal human being can.

10. I hide my pain, that's why I'm always laughing.. I swallow down all my fears with suck the powder, I've only been here but already, my life is over.